Humor: 2008's top monkey-related news

I wish I had a nickel for every time someone said, "Scott, what were the top monkey-related stories of the year?"
I wouldn't have any money, but I would have the beginning to a column on the top monkey-related stories of 2008, as compiled by me, Media General's senior simian correspondent, and the Monkey Action News Team, those like-minded readers who send in monkey reports from around the globe.
For a comprehensive month-by-month recap of 2008's monkey business, swing over to Monkeys in the News, part of the Monkey Day Web site.

MONKEY SLAPS COP, INJURES FIVE
In a busy section of Karachi, Pakistan in September, a stray monkey began performing what The Daily Times called "a variety of antics" before it "slapped a policeman and climbed onto an advertisement board of one of the shops."
Onlookers threw bananas at the monkey, apparently believing that yellow projectiles would have a calming effect on the agitated creature. Tragedy struck, as it often does, when children began throwing rocks at the monkey, "which then injured five people with its paws."
At least the monkey didn't have a gun.

CHIMP STEALS GUN FROM ZOO WORKER
In July, Ichiro the chimp escaped his enclosure at Japan's Ishikawa zoo and climbed onto a roof, Independent Television News reported.
When one zoo worker, who will not be invited to join the Ishikawa SWAT team, tried to sneak up on the chimp with a tranquilizer gun, Ichiro took it away from him. (Video) Instead of going on a sedative shooting spree, Ichiro tossed the gun away, showing that monkeys are generally peace-loving critters and not violence-prone gangsters.

VIOLENCE-PRONE 'GANGSTER' MONKEY SHOT DEAD AT CAMBODIAN TEMPLE
French press said in May that a vicious macaque was killed in a temple in Phnom Penh after attacking visitors.
"It had bitten many people and many people said the monkey was a gangster," Deputy Chim Dina told reporters.
It was unclear whether the monkey was also involved in numbers running, loan sharking or waste disposal.
But enough with the violence. What about sweet, sweet monkey love?

MALE MONKEYS MUST PAY TO MONKEY AROUND
In January, the news organization AFP reported on a study showing that male macaques must pay for romantic encounters, using grooming as currency.
The cost for love was between eight and 16 minutes of "nit-picking," which, in this case, does not mean pointing out your partner's shortcomings.
I assume Hollywood celebrity monkeys would never have to pay to play, but I guess we'll never know unless one pens a tell-all book.

TARZAN'S PAL CHEETA PENS TELL-ALL BOOK
"Me Cheeta," the celebrity autobiography of the nearly 80-year-old chimp who co-starred in 12 Tarzan movies, hit stores in the U.K. in October and will make its way across the pond in February.
The Daily Telegraph calls it "a satirical masterpiece."
I obtained some excerpts, though I can't vouch for their authenticity. Here's one:
"That Weissmuller. What a diva. I get two bananas, he's gotta have three. I seriously thought about calling up a macaque I know and having him whacked."

And finally, the top monkey-related story of the year:

WOMAN FAKES PREGNANCY TO SMUGGLE MONKEY UNDER SHIRT INTO U.S. FROM THAILAND
The 29-year-old woman and her mother were convicted on federal monkey smuggling charges on Dec. 9, according to The Spokesman-Review.
They made it through customs by telling inspectors there was a bun in the oven (as opposed to a monkey whacked out on sleeping pills), but were later caught when the daughter took the monkey to a shopping mall and told a clerk about their escapades.
I wish I had a nickel for every time someone said, "Scott, will you pretend you're pregnant so you can smuggle this monkey under your shirt into the U.S. from Thailand?"
I wouldn't have any money, but I would have an ending to this column on the top monkey-related stories of 2008.

Scott Hollifield is editor/general manager of The McDowell News in Marion, N.C. Contact him at P.O. Box 610, Marion, N.C. 28752 or {encode="rhollifield@mcdowellnews.com" title="e-mail"}.