Humor: President-elect's pop quiz a tough one

As much as I admire President-Elect Barack Obama, I'm reconsidering my offer to serve in his administration. It's not because of ideological differences, it's because I wasn't aware of the written exam.
Regular readers (as opposed to irregular ones who need more fiber) may recall last week's column, which I turned over to Cousin Junior, owner and operator of Cousin Junior's Small Engine Repair, Discount Taxidermy and Certified Lobbying Services, so he could lay out my qualifications for a high-level cabinet post.
As a respected, ethical journalist, I could not publicly lobby for the job myself, so I fabricated someone to do it for me.
Sensing a cabinet post would soon be mine, I began preparing for the vetting process by rehearsing the names of world leaders ("Amadinejad... Ama... Ama...Ama just gonna call him Sparky") and trying to figure out who's on our side ("The Swiss? Sure they're neutral, but who really needs an ally armed only with cork screw-equipped knives?").
Then the New York Times leaked the 63-item, seven-page questionnaire that all cabinet wannabes have to complete, and I realized the Obama vetting process was worse than the SATs and the road-sign portion of the driving exam combined.
Here are a few of the questions, as reported by The Times, and my answers, as reported by me.
-- Please list any applications for professional licenses or certifications that may have been denied, and the reasons for denial.
Answer: I applied to Her Majesty's Secret Service for a James Bond license to kill, but I failed the true-false test. I did, however, get a learner's permit to kill.
-- Please chronologically list activities, other than those listed on your resume or biography, from which you have derived earned income (e.g., self-employment, consulting activities, writing, speaking, royalties and honoraria) for the past 10 years.
Answer: I hope I'm not leaving anything out, but here goes: Lemonade stand, yard sale, contract hit, swallowing a marble for a dollar, yard sale, peddling kittens door to door, selling plasma TVs, selling plasma, yard sale, yard sale, yard sale, driving a getaway car during a daring bank robbery only to later reveal I was working undercover for the FBI, lion taming and yard sale.
-- Briefly describe the most controversial matters you have been involved with during the course of your career.
Answer: As a long-time, small-town newspaper editor, I can assure you there have been controversies a-plenty, most of which I handled by expertly hiding beneath my desk. There was the time we published the photo of Eudie Mae Hampstead's giant, award-winning potato only to learn that her husband Otis had secretly painted a beach ball brown. We had to return the Pulitzer.
And who can forget our controversial week-long expose, "Indoor plumbing: Is it overrated?"
-- Please list all aliases or "handles" you have used to communicate on the Internet.
Answer: Scott H. The Scottsman. The Scottmeister. Anonymous. The Legendary Love Monkey. Dr. Funkenstein. Defendant. George Clooney. George "Goober" Lindsey. Professor Leonard Birkenstock, PhD. T-Bone. Concerned Citizen69. Brenda.
-- Diaries: If you keep or have ever kept a diary that contains anything that could suggest a conflict of interest or be a possible source of embarrassment to you, your family or the president-elect if it were made public, please describe.
Answer: "Dear Diary, Today I met this dreamy investment banker and he gave me some insider information..."
-- Do you know anyone or any organization, either in the private sector or government service, that might take steps, overtly or covertly, to criticize your nomination, including any news organization?
Answer: The line forms at the door.
After careful consideration of the remaining items on the questionnaire, many of which would reveal my shaky financial situation and personal shortcomings, I must state that I cannot and will not accept a high-level cabinet post in the Obama administration.
However, I'm still open to being ambassador to the Virgin Islands.
Scott Hollifield is editor/general manager of The McDowell News in Marion, N.C. Contact him at P.O. Box 610, Marion, N.C. 28752 or {encode="rhollifield@mcdowellnews.com" title="e-mail"}.