Humor: Good hours, good pay, good luck with Best Job in the World

RELATED STORIES

My wife was surfing the Web - not for divorce lawyers or untraceable poisons, I was relieved to learn while later checking her browsing history - when she came across an interesting employment opportunity.
"A tropical island in Australia is taking global applications for 'the best job in the world,'" she said.
"I already have the best job in the world," I replied. "It's called husband and father."
When we both stopped laughing uproariously at the absurdity of that statement, I took a closer gander at what she found.
Tourist officials in Australia are advertising in 18 countries for a tropical island caretaker who will earn $150,000 for six months feeding fish, watching whales, cleaning a pool, greeting tourists and occasionally picking up the mail. The actual work time totals about three hours a week, but he or she must produce a regular blog, diary and video update about life in paradise.
Does it sound like a publicity stunt to draw attention and perhaps tourist dollars to the Great Barrier Reef Island of Hamilton?
Most definitely.
Am I interested in the job?
In the words of the great 20th century philosopher Flavor Flav, "YEAH BOYEE!"
(Note to newspaper executives: When I say, "YEAH BOYEE," I really mean "Absolutely not. I am completely satisfied with my current job in today's uncertain economy and would never do anything to jeopardize it and only said 'YEAH BOYEE' for entertainment purposes and the amusement of our remaining readers, so there's really no reason to place me on the expendable list or read this next parenthetical note.")
(Note to Australian tourist officials: "YEAH BOYEE!")
According to the Daily Mail of London, the source I turn to for tropical island employment opportunities, cricket scores and Royal Family scandals, whoever lands the job will "live rent-free on Hamilton Island (population 5,000), the 'jewel in the crown' of the Whitsunday Islands off the Queensland coast, and also look after some neighbouring islands."
One of those nearby islands is Lizard Island, where I feared the caretaker would be forced to battle giant prehistoric, fire-breathing reptiles before cleaning the pool. Further research revealed that instead of giant prehistoric, fire-breathing reptiles, Lizard Island is host to the Azure Spa where "each signature therapy is a blend of dynamic ingredients, designed to balance the physical and emotional body."
YEAH BOYEE!
Immediately after the position was advertised, applicants lit up the Web site (www.islandreefjob.com) and crashed the servers. I hammered it repeatedly until I finally got in (you know, for entertainment purposes and the amusement of our remaining readers and certainly not for a $150,000 job watching whales and greeting island arrivals like Tattoo from "Fantasy Island" for only three hours a week).
Here are the criteria, according to Tourism Queensland, the statutory authority of the Queensland government, plus my qualifications:
-- Enthusiasm.
For $150,000, I guarantee I can be enthusiastic for up to three hours a week. I don't care who pees in the pool.
-- Entertainment value - personality and creativity.
Many of the people I've punched in the face over the years say I'm easy to get along with, and, in fourth grade, I made a portrait of Abraham Lincoln out of macaroni and pipe cleaners.
-- Presentation skills - being media-friendly.
As a member of the mainstream media, I have a long track record of being friendly to people whose positions I agree with.
-- At least one year's relevant experience.
Having spent a childhood parked in front of the TV, I calculate that I totaled one cumulative year watching "Gilligan's Island" reruns, which qualifies me as an expert on tropical islands. For $150,000, I don't mind bunking with an overweight sea captain who calls me "little buddy."
"I would apply for the best job in the world," I told my wife as I exited the Queensland Web site and quickly scanned her browsing history," but, obviously, I'm overqualified."
And we both laughed uproariously at the absurdity of that statement.

Scott Hollifield is editor/general manager of The McDowell News in Marion, N.C. Contact him at P.O. Box 610, Marion, N.C. 28752 or e-mail rhollifield@mcdowellnews.com.