Facebook + divorce equals explosive situation

TAMPA - If eHarmony is the Web site bringing lovebirds to the threshold of marriage, Facebook is the one showing up for the divorce.

The world's most popular social media site is revolutionizing the divorce experience, pouring toxin into virtually every stage of a collapsing marriage.

Rekindling old flames into blazing affairs. Exposing the "Exhibit A" that divorce lawyers wave in the courtroom. Providing a global stage for feuding spouses to torch each other's reputations in multi-media splendor.

Take, for instance, the Tampa wife who videotaped fights with her husband (camera in one hand, accusing finger in the other), to post on Facebook later. A child psychologist called it "like a reality TV show."

Or the Tampa husband with a Facebook fixation, who posted minute-by-minute updates about his frustrations with parenting. Lawyers for his wife gleefully turned the online confessions against him in court.

Facebook is "like gasoline on the fire," said Chris Ragano, a Tampa attorney who says Facebook turns up in more than half of new cases each month. Now, he orders every new client to cancel their Facebook account on Day 1 of his retainer – but not before using the account to collect evidence against the other side.

"One side posts something nasty, and the other can't help but retaliate, and we're off to the races," Ragano said. "It's World War III."

This post vs. post culture will likely grow more common, as generations who grew up living and loving Facebook enter a cycle of marriage and divorce.

And at the first stages of a marriage going wrong, Facebook seems to be there.

Tampa family lawyer Alex Caballero says spouses on the verge of a breakup used to mingle only with their current social circle. But Facebook's aggressive push to network further broadens the user's options.

An old alumni group from college sends a "Friend request" to join their group, which prompts people to scan current photos of old flames, which leads to wayward thoughts.

"If people are already on the brink," Caballero said, "they see those things and think 'Well, maybe I do want a divorce.'"

More than 80 percent of lawyers surveyed by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers said Facebook is showing up in more divorce cases. Sixty-six percent called Facebook the unrivaled leader for online divorce evidence, followed by MySpace (15 percent) and Twitter (5 percent).

Once one side files divorce papers, the Facebook race kicks into high gear.

In the past, lawyers would laboriously gather a stockpile of unflattering evidence to use against the opposing side, through private detectives, credit card statements or phone records.

"Now, Facebook makes it so easy," Ragano said. There's almost too much evidence to sort through. The challenge is hitting "print" quickly enough on a rival's Facebook page.

Because most Facebook pages are open for anyone to post comments, they are sitting ducks for angry spouses itching to vent. Even otherwise-professional or rational clients can lose control.

On a recent Monday afternoon, Ragano walked the hall of his Tampa office on his cell phone, imploring a client to unplug her Facebook account. It was a dispute between two women over a man, and Ragano represented one of the women.

Lawyers on the opposing side claimed Ragano's client was threatening to expose embarrassing medical secrets about her rival via Facebook, and even started fake online accounts to continue the taunting.

A court later issued a restraining order, but Ragano worried his client would break it. Such things can violate felony cyber-stalking laws.

And such blowups are only growing more common.

Several Tampa lawyers say angry spouses simply can't resist the urge to stay on Facebook, despite the risks.

After years of posting updates and photos, and making connections with friends online, people's Facebook profile page becomes part of their identity.

When a spouse attacks another's Facebook page, or a new boyfriend/girlfriend touts their new romance, it's hard to resist returning fire. Especially as relatives, close friends or co-workers are still linked to these pages as "friends."

Long-time Tampa divorce lawyer Stann Givens notes one recent case where a young man posted "everything he thinks," on Facebook, he said.

"If he's upset with his wife, he posts it," Givens said. "If something happens with the kids he can't handle, he posts how frustrated he is. If you go to court, and there's a custody battle, it's very easy for a lawyer to tell the judge 'Look at what kind of person this is.'"

Lawyer Michael Lundy notes a case where a mother won broad child custody, then went out drinking to celebrate. The night ended with one of her party arrested for drunk driving.

The next day, "she went and posted a bunch of pictures of herself in provocative poses," he said, "and captioned them with things like 'Precursor to a DUI?'"

"We had color copies made and used them at trial as an example of irresponsibility," he said.

Children aren't exempt from the online feuds, either.

Frequently, courts will appoint a third-party counselor to evaluate children amid a divorce.

Psychologist Kathryn Kuehnle advises on many cases, and says parents regularly forward reams of e-mails, posts and Facebook material to her -- anything potentially embarrassing. That includes videotapes of spousal screaming matches.

Parents often use Facebook to monitor kids during a weekend with the other parent.

Kuehnle says she doesn't fixate on Facebook, but she studies it judiciously among many factors. For instance, she may research a child's own Facebook page for signs of problems with drugs or alcohol.

"Are the parents concerned, or is this something new to them," Kuehnle said. "They may not realize the kids are sneaking out the window at night, or their new boyfriend has a Web page with pictures of them drinking."

Some judges in Tampa try to throw a wet blanket on all the Facebook warfare.

In Florida, judges decide cases, so there are no juries to sway with scandalous photos. Florida law is heavily focused on moving forward, not incriminating backward, and encourages shared custody.

Still, Judge Steven Scott Stephens, who presides over many cases in Hillsborough County, said fighting spouses dig up everything they can on Facebook that they think looks incriminating.

"But that kind of stuff is not that big a deal in court," Stephens said. It tends to look backward, not forward. "It's rarely a determinative factor in a case."

Granted, courts pay close attention to any evidence of anything illegal or dangerous to the children. But angry spouses can over-reach, and the eager wife who brings in video of a husband drinking in Cancun may, herself, turn out to be worse.

"Those wild photos of people drinking and having fun," Stephens said, "That's where the baby came from in the first place."