Humor: Milking the cow conspiracy

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What may look to some like an isolated incident involving a rogue cow and an unlucky bicyclist is, to this dogged and determined reporter, another piece of mounting evidence of an organized global bovine conspiracy against the human race.

While I admit I was wrong about the impending alien invasion of 2008, I’m pretty sure I’m right on the money with this one.

According to the Jan. 19 edition of the Daily Camera, the online newspaper of the Camera of Boulder, Colo., a cow charged a woman who was riding her bike on a trail, knocked her down, walked on her legs and fled the scene. The cow, still at large at press time, was described as brown.

The woman was not seriously injured. The vice president of the Boulder Mountain Bike Alliance called the brutal attack “odd, rare and random.“

“It’s not something people should be concerned about,“ he said.

And that’s exactly what the organized global bovine conspiracy wants you to believe.

My journalistic credentials allow me access to a vast collection of data (Google Search) that reveal cows have been targeting unsuspecting humans for years. My colleagues (Crazy Bill, Dr. Carl Von Schtupp of the International Society of Crackpots, and several guys who live in their parents’ basements) and I have connected the dots and uncovered what is undoubtedly the aforementioned organized global bovine conspiracy against the human race.

In May 2007, The Sydney Morning Herald reported an unsuspecting motorist in western Australia struck a cow, sending the animal airborne. The cow landed on the roof of the car, crushing it and killing the driver.

In November of that same year, a Spokane, Wash., couple escaped injury when a 600-pound cow plunged 200 feet from a cliff and slammed into the hood of their mini-van, the Reuters news service reported.

“If the cow had fallen a split second later, the animal would have landed in their laps,“ said a sheriff’s deputy.

Cambodia is one of the few nations to recognize the dangers posed by these insidious creatures.

In October 2007, the UK publication Metro reported that Cambodian police arrested a cow blamed for traffic accidents that killed a total of six people. The cow’s owner, fearing that he would be charged as an accomplice, regained custody and killed the animal, despite reported objections of the bovine civil liberties organization, the ACLMOO.

The list of violent, extremist cow attacks is too long for the space allotted here but can be found in my new report, “A Long List of Violent, Extremist Cow Attacks,“ available for only $29.95 from my Web site, nuttycowconspiracy.com, which is currently under construction.

Given the overwhelming evidence, there can be no other conclusion than a global network of violent, extremist cows are training like-minded cattle for terror attacks around the globe.

My colleagues and I today call on President Barack Obama to take swift action, such as invading a country he doesn’t like, to destroy this organized global bovine conspiracy. Let’s fight them over there and eat them over here.

In the meantime, everyone should take these precautions to avoid a cow attack:

—Don’t go biking.

—Don’t drive.

—Don’t park your mini-van below a 200-foot cliff.

—Move to Cambodia.

—If your doorbell rings, you say, “Who is it?“ and if the answer is, “Moo,“ immediately call 911.

—Buy seven copies of my new report, “A Long List of Violent, Extremist Cow Attacks,“ for only $29.95, give them to friends and encourage them to do the same.

My colleagues and I know that some in the mainstream media will choose to ignore this warning, will fail to report accurately on the global bovine conspiracy against the human race and will portray us, even the noted scholar Crazy Bill, as nothing more than nut jobs.

Given the overwhelming evidence available, we think that’s udderly ridiculous.

Scott Hollifield is editor/general manage of The McDowell News in Marion, N.C. Contact him at P.O. Box 610, Marion, N.C. 28752 or e-mail .